A Balrog's day
by feanen
Summary: The Balrog tells happenings from his point of view! Just various situations. Some book related, others slightly AU
1. The FS in Moria

Since English is my second language there might be some mistakes I was not aware of. So don't wonder if something sounds terribly wrong. Anyway, enjoy!  
  
A day in a Balrog's life  
  
Today was the worst day in my life. It all began that I was woken by something being tossed on my head. Exactly the 'something' were three things: first a skull , then the rest of the body and then, to top if off, a bucket with a heavy chain attached to it. And then I wasn't able to find my pills against headache. I can tell you, I had a terrible one.  
  
Some buckets of very strong coffee and 4 glasses of whiskey later I decided to seek my revenge.  
  
But of course that silly Orcs wanted to kill these fools, too. But it wasn't too difficult to scare them away. Just drum a bit on the walls and let a fiery light appear. But my 'victims' were scared, too and ran away towards the exit. Damn.  
  
So I took a short cut but unfortunately I got a bit too fat in the last 3 millennia and I broke away the doorframe and some staircases got damaged, too I suppose. Damn, it will be very hard to find someone to repair it. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to get these dwarves killed by the orcs..  
  
Anyway, I reached those who disturbed me just in nick of time at the Bridge of Khazad-dûm. I scared them badly except for one strange old guy clad in grey . Alas, that was a wizard and I wanted to stab him with my big flame- sword but he countered. Then I was about to use my flame whip but just then he brought the part of the bridge I was standing on to collapse. Damn dwarves, can't build anything lasting.  
  
But at least I took this wizard with me when I fell into the abyss because I was able to wrap my whip around his ankle. But when we hit the bottom that ($//(%$@/()%()) wizard made me lead him out of the mines and killed me after that. Oh, how I hate him! Only because of him I'm doomed to be 'only' a ghost for the rest of days. Perhaps I should ask Sauron to borrow me four or five wraiths to hunt him down. Wouldn't be too bad.  
  
  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
So, that's it! Rewiev please!!!! 


	2. how to get in when locked out

So, here comes another Balrog's day. (In fact this isn't just one day) Enjoy!  
  
Another Balrog's day  
  
Today a couple dwarves came to my cave and asked if I could use some interior designers. For free of course. Since my cave is very uncomfortable I allowed them to work a bit in my cave while I went on a short visit to my good old pal Morgoth. When I returned 700 years later (I had to go back because Morgoth was overthrown by that Elves) I found all the entrances closed! And they hadn't put a key hole in it! Stupid, *peep*, silly, *peep* dwarves!! There was just some odd drawing of a gate and some letters (I suppose it was Elvish) on the wall. Two weeks went by until I found my glasses. I read the words aloud to myself: Ennyn Durin aran Moria Pedo mellon a minno. And then the letters got so little that I had to spend two more weeks to look for my extra strong glasses. Im Narvi hain echant: Celebrimbor o Ereigion teithant I thiw hin. Hmmm. But what language is it? No, it cannot be the black speech. Common toungue? No, but it cannot be dwarfish either..Hmmm, language that sounds so horrible beautifully. Yes that can only be Elvish. But at school I had a F in Elvish..But I think I have somewhere a dictionary.hmm but where? The last ordinary one (I mean made of papers) got burned when I tried to work with it. At least I took my Iron one (resistant up to 2500°C) with me. After two years of hard work I had finally translated it. Go me! Door Durin Lord Moria. Speak melon and enter. I Narvi made them. Cele-what? of Hollin drew these letters. A door named Durin? These dwarves are really odd! Naming a door Durin! bwahahahaha! Anyway, speak friend and enter. Ah, you just have to say the password and then you can enter. Witty as I am it only took me 6 month to figure out that the password is actually melon. But a fruit as password? Anyway, I said mellon and bang! the door opened. Go me! When I was inside the doors closed. What a service! I have to admit that dwarves are really good interior designers. But what madness drove them to build endless staircases instead of building straight through? My feet are so sore! When I get hold of these beardy things..! At least I reached a very nice and high hall. On a throne sat a dwarf and asked me in a very rude manner what was my business in his kingdom. That's it I thought and got really, really pissed off (I can tell you). I sized this beard- thing and throw him away from the throne and told him and the other dwarves off. But when I recognised that these greedy *peeeeeeeeeep* had buried deep in my cave and had took all this nice dazzling metal out, I decided that it was enough. I killed all except two or three. The survivors spread the news that my cave, Moria I think they call it, is inhabited by a terrible monster. And now no one comes to my nice little home. Yay!  
  
Rewiev!! Perhaps I'm going to write another chapter. How Balin came to Moria and disturbed our poor Balrog again. 


	3. How to get rid of unwelcome visitors

How to get rid of unwelcome visitors!  
  
Today another bunch of dwarves came into my home again. Hadn't I recently driven out some of these beardy things?  
  
I don't know because a while ago my clock got somehow damaged and when I tried to repair it, it melted! This is very odd, nothing of my furniture is lasting..except stone. I bet all this stuff comes from some cheap shopping centres (no, wal mart isn't invented yet).  
  
Anyway, because I had a good day I decided to leave them to what they were up to and I moved to the cellars where my beautiful silvery sparking walls were still intact.  
  
One day these annoying intruders began to search for that metal that is so nicely decorating my walls. It's very, very annoying. So I searched for my fire resistant pink fluffy earmuffs. Now I cannot hear the sounds. Very good.  
  
But two weeks later when I took a short beauty sleep, the dwarves discovered the pipe that leads to my living room. (This pipe was my emergency exit and entrance when I was smaller. No, I'm NOT too fat!!!!).  
  
They hacked my metal from the walls. Greedy, stupid, *peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* dwarves!!!!  
  
When I wanted to hunt them down I discovered that my front door got somehow too small for me. Interesting, I didn't know before that stone can actually shrink. I tried to solve this problem with my pneumatic drill but the stone was too hard.  
  
Then I contacted Sauron via Palantir and asked him if he could send me some Orcs of his to kill the dwarves. He agreed but under one condition: I had to let the orcs stay at my home. I agreed because it's anyway big enough. I even don't know myself how many rooms I have.  
  
The Orcs arrived one year later and finished these beardy things off.  
  
Now it's quiet again! Yay!  
  
Rewiev!! In the next chapter: How Gandalf defeated the Balrog! And Ch. 5 : Balrog vs. Glorfindel (from the Silmarillion) 


	4. Little secrets discovered

Little secrets discovered...  
  
When that grey old guy made the bridge collapse we both fell into that abyss which straight leads to the caves where I keep my bottling jars.  
  
But while I landed in the apple section that guy must have landed in the heads-of-my-former-enemies-section because I couldn't find him when I searched the caves. So I suppose he got out through the ventilation. Coward!  
  
Anyway, I was curious if he had managed to get down of Caradhras. So I went back to my living room and got my GPS from the cupboard. (when you are curious why I actually have a GPS, I stole it from a strange looking human who claimed to be a fanfiction author. Don't ask me what that is..) Anyway, I forced him to explain me the use of this device (so he called it) and after that I let him go because I had a very generous day.  
  
When I discovered that Gandalf was just out of Lorien, I left Moria, clad in my jumpsuit in which I look nice and which keeps me invisible. (A nice addition to this slimming effect.)  
  
When I flew over the Anduin I spotted Gandalf on a horse. But the sight of his outfit threw me into a laughing fit, so that I nearly fell to the ground. Bwahahahaha!!!! Gandalf wore something which appeared to be one of Galadriel's white night dresses!!! I've never laughed so hard in my entire life.  
  
This little vacation is going to be very interesting and funny. It's even better than watching unsuspecting people through the Palantir.  
  
Weeks later that night dress wearing guy reached three members of the fellowship he made up a story how he bravely fought against me and how he killed me.  
  
Liar! But I have to admit that he has a nice imagination.  
  
Anyway I nearly threw of my jumpsuit and wanted to tell him my opinion and a little bit more (which I won't explain further because this story is rated G) but I hold myself back because I'm very interested what they will do next.  
  
I think they are going to Rohan so I have to leave now in order to keep up with them. Perhaps I'll write a postcard...  
  
  
  
So, today a little bit Gandalf bashing but since the Balrog deserves a bit more (positive) attention, I hope you won't mind. Rewiev!!!!!!! 


	5. Glorfindel vs Balrog

This chapter took a while due to some teachers who think pupils need loads of homework! *Chases Balrog after them* (Absolut Rentnerfreundlich!)  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
  
  
A little fight  
  
At present I joined my good old friend Morgoth in one of his battles. It's really very interesting. But I think it will soon come to an end because Gon..Gondr.Gonlin.never mind. Anyway this Elven city will not last any longer.  
  
Perhaps I should get some souvenirs like this funny things all people carry on their heads. Would make nice whiskey glasses.  
  
So I went towards the town. But some time later a little figure ran up to me and tried to shoot me with his bow. Bwahahaha! I nearly died from laughter. This tiny elf really thought he could kill me with this ridiculous weapon.  
  
But somehow that elf thought that it was due to his arrows. (which by the way got burned before they could even reach my skin..yes I'm a very hot guy..)  
  
Anyway he broke out into a weird dance. Perhaps it was a dance of victory but it also could be that he couldn't stand my heat.  
  
But when I wanted to kill him by either burning him and throwing him into that abyss nearby, I slipped on a stone and fell into that abyss with my foe. And I died (f***).at least the elf died, too.  
  
Now three days went by since I died. It isn't really that bad because I have the opportunity of returning to Middle Earth. I have just bought a suitable house for me where I can live when I return  
  
But there is one things that annoys me..I heard that the Elves think that this elf I fought with had indeed slain a Balrog all by himself. I can't believe how stupid people are.  
  
I genuinely ask myself what they would say if they knew that a stone actually killed me. But I think I'll never figure out...though it would be priceless to see their faces then.  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++ So now I have a little problem. Tolkien doesn't provide any more occasions which could be described from the Balrog's point of view. Any ideas? 


	6. A change of address

In FOTR Gandalf mentioned that the Balrog originally came from Udun in the north west of Mordor. But how came he to Moria? This is my guess. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
A change of address  
  
  
  
Today was a really nice day. The sun was hidden by thick black clouds and the air was as dusty as usual. All in all the perfect weather for me.  
  
I recently came back here from a short visit to my good old friend Sauron. I had to leave him because those elves and men had united and fought against him. So Sauron is busy building up his defences.  
  
Around midday the day wasn't as good as it was in the beginning. I received a letter from the tax authorities of Mordor. It said that I'll have to pay more taxes for my nice underground palace. But unfortunately I'm running short of money.  
  
But then I had a really good idea. I'll go away and live in another place. I bought a copy of the Mordor Times and started to look through the announces. I finally found a suitable cave for me. It is situated directly under Caradhras and really comfortable. Though Dwarves live there. But this is really no problem because the cave is very big and only the upper stories are occupied by the dwarwes.  
  
Two days later I was the proud keeper of a fine and comfortable cave. But I'll better leave for it now. I don't want to have another letter from the tax authorities.  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Rewiev! And Merry Christmas! 


	7. the council

The evil guys heard of course of the secret council in Rivendell by Sarumans' Secret Service. So they decided to hold a council, too, in the mines of Moria. They chose the Balrog's home (A/N: By the way, Bob the Balrog is a nice name!) because nobody would notice it. Since the Balrog was the host he became head of the council too.  
  
The very secret council of the evil guys:  
  
Sauron 'the eye'  
  
the Balrog 'Bob'  
  
Saruman 'Number three'  
  
the Nazgûl 'we can't manage anything'  
  
and in addition to that some Orcs, Uruk-Hai and spiders from Mirkwood  
  
Now back to the Balrog's point of view!  
  
Today was a really important day for me. I recently received a note from my good old friend Sauron that his ring had been found in the hands of an halfling and that it is in Rivendell by now. Moreover they had held a council and they decided that a company of nine should destroy the ring. (I really ask myself if they became insane. Honestly, if I were them I wouldn't go straight into Mordor.) Furthermore Sauron wrote that he found it necessary to hold a council too. In the mines of Moria! I feel so honoured!  
  
But on the other hand I now have to get a large amount of food and drink. And last year I spent nearly my whole money on a nice swimming pool filled with magma.  
  
And when I tried to count my coins which were left, they melted somehow. Darn, it's always happening to me! But luckily the Mordorian party service accepts plain gold too. So the food problem is solved.  
  
Then I turned my attention to another problem. Where should my guests stay? Of course I have plenty of room but I need to find rooms that fit.  
  
Firstly I decided the council should be held in this hall with these huge pillars. I think the dwarves called it Khazad-Dum or something like that.  
  
I decided that Sauron could stay in my swimming pool since his eye is made of flames, too. So I think it will suit him well.  
  
Next to the bathroom I had a very big room in which I use to play squash. This room is suitable for the spiders since there is a lot of moss in there, too.  
  
For the Nazgul, Orcs and Uruk-Hai I found nice rooms near the council area.  
  
But the biggest problem was Saruman. I suppose he wouldn't like my closed, stuffy and hot caves so much. But then I remembered that I had a small tower at the top of Caradhras. I used it sometimes when I was younger and when I could climb the staircase without problems. (Not that I'm too fat but my age...never mind.  
  
I really hope that at least no one of our enemies comes to my cave. Then it's becoming rather loud. Always these drums and noises from the swords and this arrows...this is nothing for me anymore. I just want to live in peace here. without some silly beardy things who try to ravage my precious wall decorations.  
  
So the day of the council arrived. There were no complaints about the rooms or the food. This is very good because when an evil creature has gone mad..then hell breaks loose, literally.  
  
Now to the council:  
  
There was a lot of arguing at first. The orcs, spiders and Uruk-Hai just wanted to go and stamp them into the earth. Stupid idiots. They seem as if they haven't got the tiniest hint of a brain. But we others could convince them that that wouldn't be the best solution. It would be rather merciful. And since we are supposed to be the evil guys we need a better plan. They have to suffer before their end! *evil grin*  
  
So this is what we will do:  
  
Both Sauron and Saruman will bread an army. That shall them keep Gondor, Rohan, Lorien and Rivendell occupied for a while. Moreover Saruman is going to take over the Shire. The spiders will attack these elves of Mirkwood so they will be occupied too.  
  
And I, I will cause the Fellowship some problems if they should dare to go through my home.  
  
Now I have to finish writing because I have to speak about my plans with the Moria Orcs.  
  
  
  
Review! And happy New Year! 


	8. the battle at the Pellenor fields

Sorry that the update took so long but I was busy doing homework.  
  
  
  
++++++  
  
  
  
The battle on the Pellenor fields  
  
  
  
Today I received a letter from NCoM, that's the News Channel of Mordor, and they asked me to comment the upcoming battle on the Pellenor fields. Their commentator had been fired because he said that Sauron looks creepy with his pink - red contact lens. Fool! He should have known that Sauron is very touchy when it comes to that topic.  
  
Anyway I accepted. I mean who gets paid for a vacation? Besides I'm slowly running out of money.  
  
When I arrived at the Pellenor fields I got fireproof equipment. Man, this job was hard. I'm very relived that I'm at home again. Along with my payment I got a DVD. Now I'll go and watch how I look in TV.  
  
*********  
  
Good afternoon Sauron, Kankra, Orcs, Balrogs, Uruk-Hai, spiders, wargs, trolls. My name is Bob and I'm currently standing in the middle of the Pellenor fields, right at the point where the battle will soon take place.  
  
(A little bit later.)  
  
The battle has just begun. At the moment it isn't interesting. Currently there are no advantages fur us nor for the humans.  
  
(A little more later.)  
  
Ha! That was one good stroke. The king's horse has been slain. And the king's dead too. His horse squashed him. Now it's going to be interesting.  
  
(Even more later.)  
  
The Nazguls arrive! Now these humans won't have a chance! But wait...what's that? The witchking has been slain. *peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*. Uum, now it's getting a bit hairy here. Hmmm (addresses camera orc): I think you go on the battlefield and look what's going on there hmmm and I , I er hmmm what am I going to do? Er..I have to go.hmmm you know I have an er appointment with..er...I HAVE TO GO NOW!!!!! (Runs away very, very fast.)  
  
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Review please! 


	9. chapter9

This is just some kind of random plot bunny attack. (I guess in reality I was just a bit bored.)

Bob the Balrog's travellers guide 

****

Step 1: Getting around unseen 

You are one of the so called evil guys? Then you'll certainly know the problem of travelling through your enemy's property unnoticed. Especially when you are as big as I am (no! I'm not fat, I just have a stocky built). Hmmm, slightly getting off the topic here. Anyways, pretending to be someone else doesn't help, too. I once pretended to be an old human woman and I got a huge fire-proof arrow up my…. Never mind that….too embarrassing.

And pretending to be some kind of baggage doesn't help either. You'll only be labelled as oversized baggage and that isn't exactly very unobtrusively. 

The right thing to do is:

Position yourself between two slices of bread and bribe another person into taking you with him- provisions won't be controlled.

The second step is how to travel save in your own country.

For example, me travelling in Mordor always causes a bit mayhem. I often smash some orcs while walking around. And always Sauron gets cross with me because of that (He always makes me feel as if I'm doing that deliberately.). 

And when Sauron gets angry then I become even angrier and then Sauron…..but that's another tale. Anyway, it always ends very nasty.

To save oneself of that trouble is to fly if you don't want to be walking around on tiptoes all the time (Sauron always complains that I ruin his carpet and gardens with my claws while walking on tiptoes.).

I got a nice set of wings implanted a millennia ago. Now getting around is very easy because while flying in the clouds you can't be seen and spying on unsuspecting people from above is always very entertaining I might add. 

--

Hmmm, has been a long time since I updated. Nearly a year. It was a huge writers block. Happy new Year!


	10. The spot has to go

**The spot has to go!**

The first time I died was the worst moment of my life. It was even worse than loosing my precious elf helmet collection because of a bet with Sauron (whose topic was if he could fool the Numenorian people by the way). Even the fact that I died that day wasn't the worst experience in my life, no it was the fact that this idiot of an elf decided to wear an amour made out of a metal that reaches its melting point very early. As you can see I'm a very hot guy and when we both fell into that abyss because of me slipping on a stone, that elf was roasted and his amour melted and left a sparkly spot on my face in the process. And to top that off I broke my spine.

When I was reincarnated, that damn spot hadn't disappeared! The first problem that went with that fact was that an expression of astonishment (because of this stupid stone) was literally frozen on my face. It's obvious that I didn't look very menacing anymore.

Actually, everyone in Mordor began making fun of me: "Oh, there's Bob, the fearful flame thing." For obvious reasons hiding my face behind a paper bag with holes for the eyes wasn't an option for me. And my doctor didn't help much either. He said that my face didn't produce enough heat for the metal to become more liquid-like and come off. Which I figured out myself, too. Thank you very much. The only difference was that it didn't cost me several gold pieces.

Needless to say, Sauron was very amused by that. Although he knows that the fires of Mount Doom are capable of erasing that metal off my face he adamantly refuses to let me use his smithy. A true dark lord. Unfortunately, his amour is made out of metal I'm not able to melt. Life is really unfair. I hadn't really any other choice than going of to a remote area, namely Udûn, and hoping a solution would present itself soon.

But how do the humans say? He who laughs last, laughs best? When Sauron got his fingers and his ring chopped off by that human, he was reduced to a huge eye made of flames. Of course, perfect blackmail material for me. Everybody thinks Sauron's eye colours are red, orange and yellow. Those who believe that are sorely mistaken. His true eye colour is actually purple with a hint of pink mixed in. Which is of course a total embarrassment for a dark lord. In exchange of getting him a big orange-red contact lens I was allowed to use the fires of Mount Doom.

A bath in magma can be very pleasing indeed. I finally got rid of that spot. Now I can finally travel again. I heard Moria is lovely this time of the year.


End file.
